I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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