that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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