our cab driver is having phone sex.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
