i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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