im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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