My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
