Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
