On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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