It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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