my phone needs a breathalizer
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
