So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
