Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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