Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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