This girl is more easily done than said...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
