You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
