Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
