My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
