I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
