Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
