Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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