i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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