Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
barbara walters just said penis...
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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