I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
