Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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