im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
