Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
