I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
