This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Randomize
