yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
