You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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