If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
