There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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