I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
