if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Randomize
