can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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