i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
