and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
All the doctor said was why
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
