At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
