i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
