Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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