Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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