There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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