apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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