My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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