I met the friendliest cop last night
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
