you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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