apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
