I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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