Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Houston, we have a squirter
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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