My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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