after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
MIDGETS
????
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
