Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
