Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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